Being judgmental gets a bad rap. Here is why being judgmental is actually a good thing.
A while back, I was having a conversation with someone on a topic we were both really passionate about. We had completely opposed ideas and couldn’t seem to see eye-to-eye.
And I was seething pissed off.
I was slamming pans while cooking dinner and writing ranty emails in the dark.
I turned this over in my brain for hours. Every time I had a moment of quiet, my mind went to that dark and judgmental space that we all know well.
She should be more understanding.
Why can’t she just see this my way?
She is off her fucking rocker.
She isn’t even open to considering my thoughts on this.
I know way more about this than she does.
Fine, if she wants to be that way, I just won’t have anything to do with her. Fuck her.
And then, I remembered this about being judgmental:
Once we accept the fact that each of us embodies all the traits in the universe, we can stop pretending that we are not everything…
We adopt prejudices from our families and friends. “You’re different because you are fat and I am skinny. I am smart and you are stupid. I am timid and you are brave. I am passive and you are aggressive. I am loud and you are soft spoken.” These beliefs maintain the illusion that we are separate. They create internal as well as external barriers that keep us from embracing the totality of our being. They keep us pointing fingers at others.
The key is to understand that there is nothing we can see or perceive that we are not. If we did not possess a certain quality, we could not recognize it in another. If you are inspired by someone’s courage, it is a reflection of the courage in you. If you think someone’s selfish, you can be sure that you are capable of demonstrating the same amount of selfishness. Although these qualities will not be expressed all the time, we each have the ability to act out any quality we see. ~ Debbie Ford
In this case, I wasn’t being very understanding of her. I wasn’t open to seeing her side. I was projecting my shadow self onto her.
Once I was able to see that, it enabled me to communicate what was true for me, without being an asshole, and we were able to find a resolution that worked for both of us.
When we stay stuck in our judgments of others, we close the door on communication and, in the worst of cases, end relationships that have the potential to be very fulfilling.
But by bringing consciousness and intention to our judgments, we transmute them into understanding and compassion, for others and for ourselves. And as we integrate those aspects back into ourselves, we embody wholeness. And that is a very beautiful thing.