When I was growing up in Evangelical Christian churches, one of the most relieving things to me was the idea of having a God given purpose. The question “why am I here” always sat at the top of my consciousness; it was always there and has never left. And having an answer, albeit a shitty one (aka be subservient to the needs of men and give birth to as many children as possible), was something I could hold onto. Something to temporarily temper the incessant question.
As I got older and started to have deeper questions, things like, why does God just seem like a codependent asshole, religion completely fell apart. To the point of identifying as atheist for many years.
Today, if I had to put myself in any kind of spiritual box, I’d call myself a mystical chaos witch who practices magick for the sake of spiritual sustenance.
But the desire for purpose and meaning never changed. It was always there, ripe for exploration.
If we look at my Human Design, we can see that clearly with my 4 placement stellium in gate 28 (Conscious North Node, Conscious Mars, Conscious Pluto, and Unconscious Pluto). In the Gene Keys, 28 is the shadow of purposelessness, the gift of totality, and the siddhi of immortality. In Astrology, gate 28 is in Scorpio, and, just for some extra good times, the conscious placements are in my 8th house and the unconscious one in the 10th house.
When we take all of that at face value, and blend it with the context of my actual lived experience, it no wonder that purpose, shadow integration, and, ultimately, helping people create meaning in their life and work is my jam.
I’ve been contemplating how we got the idea of purpose so, so wrong. Whether in a religious context or not, we’ve basically all been convinced that living a life of purpose will liberate us from our humanity. Through no fault of our own, we have come to believe that if we find this ONE thing and do that, life will become easier. The yellow brick road will become clear, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow will overflow, and fields of flowers and butterflies will be our daily folly.
And so, we search for the perfect job. The role where it will all just click into place. The thing that will align it all into perfect harmony.
That thing does not exist.
Because purpose, the way it has been presented to you, is not a thing.
There are no secret keys to the kingdom.
And we are living in a time where that is becoming pristinely clear.
In philosophical circles, it’s being called “the meaning crisis.” In Astro and HD circles, it’s the constellations shifting.
As the hierarchal structures crumble, people are leaving religion in droves. More and more are loudly becoming estranged from their families. Late stage capitalism and the class divide becoming deeper. And with each passing day, we are all becoming more and more skeptical about what all of this really means.
The things that we’ve been taught give our lives meaning are becoming exposed for the illusions that they are. That they ALWAYS were.
Meaning does not come from your job. It does not come from the roles you play. The money you make (or don’t). Or the number of followers you have on the social platform of the day.
How do I know?
Because if it did, meaning would hold up when we get the illusive thing.
Women wouldn’t completely unravel, leave 30 year marriages, and have no clue who they are when the kids leave for college. Celebrities with hoards of raving fans wouldn’t take their own lives. Billionaires wouldn’t aim for trillions, when, literally, it would take lifetimes to spend what they already have.
This is not to say that wanting marriage, kids, a following, and money are wrong and bad. I know just enough to know that I don’t know. We all have to live with ourselves, after all.
What I am saying, though, is that when we invest our sense of purpose into roles, material things, or anything that can disappear in any moment, we are losing the game.
Because, as the Gene Keys reveal, purpose is immortal. It comes through the embrace of all that is. It comes from sitting in the dark and letting the mysteries whisper their secrets. Not as answers. As bigger and bigger questions.
When purpose is born of mortal things, it must die. But when it comes from the source, from the ego shattering surrender of loving what is, it cannot be taken away. It is simply there. Waiting in the dark.
In other words, your purpose is simply to experience life as yourself. To hold the tension of shadow and light. And to expand your capacity for that.
That is something that cannot be taken away. No matter what happens on the outside. The way you hold yourself in the mist of your life is always yours. The meaning you choose from the good, the bad, and the ugly. The way you turn experiences into alchemical fire.
In Human Design, the tension of shadow and light is revealed in the incarnation cross. Your cross is not showing the doorway into a field of flowers, rainbows, and butterflies. In Astrology speak, it’s four squares and two oppositions. A Grand Cross. A literal cross the bear. The tension that never dies. The parts of the self in a fight to the death.
And you can let it destroy you. Or you can let it become the thing you consciously choose. On purpose.
Resist. Or surrender.
Either way, the purpose and meaning is yours to make.